Be Selective of Your Close Relationships

It is true that wisdom can come to us by way of counsel, yet an even greater measure of wisdom—or lack of it—can come through our close, inner circle of relationships. Let’s look at the following verses in the Word of God that confirm this truth. 

“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20).

“The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26).

We cannot afford to gloss over these truths. Those people we choose as our closest friends, our inner circle, will influence our potential in life. Show me your friends, and I will show you your future.

The friends we choose tells us a lot about how we feel about ourselves. We can love everyone and treat all people with kindness and respect, but we must be selective about those we allow into our inner circle. Remember that Jesus, our example, prayed all night before selecting the disciples He would allow into His inner circle. I encourage you to be equally prayerful and thoughtful about who you allow into your closest circle of friends. 

Be careful about becoming close friends with people who consistently whine, murmur, complain, blame-shift, speak negatively of those in authority, and talk about other friends behind their backs. If one of your “friends” is talking about others behind their backs, you must realize it won’t be long before they are talking about you behind your back. 

If you are struggling with a low self-image, you will be tempted to hang out with those who are also part of the “wounded hearts club.” This group of friends finds solace by comforting each other over things done wrong to them. Their common bond is having mutual enemies. These types of relationships lead to blame-shifting societies and “victims anonymous” clubs. This circle of broken, wounded hearts pass out gold membership cards to anyone who will help them maintain their victimhood and make an enemy of those who have hurt or disenfranchised them in some way. They develop entitlement attitudes and judgments against others, especially those in authority. There is no wisdom in such relationships! 

Jesus said that life would not be offense free. “Then He said to the disciples, ‘It is impossible that no offenses should come’” (Luke 17:1a). It is not possible to go through life and have no offenses come your way. Offense will come to each of us, and many times, it comes through our closest relationships. But I have learned something that has helped me stay free from offense in relationship: When it comes to others, expect nothing and be thankful for everything. There is freedom in that. If I am not expecting something, I cannot be offended by someone. 

If someone in my inner circle does disappoint me in some way, I choose to let love cover it and give them mercy, just as I would like to receive mercy (1 Pet. 4:8 and Matt. 5:7). If any of your close friends are easily offended, it will eventually impact you. 

The Word of God is true. Bad friendships corrupt good morals (1 Cor. 15:33). But walking with wise men and women will make us wiser (Prov. 13:20). Before I move on to focus on the positive aspects of choosing good relationships, I want to help those who have realized their inner circle of friends is not best for them. I am not suggesting you completely cut off relationship with those who are in this category, though you may have to do that with some. I recommend easing your way out of those relationships by finding other healthy friendships. Spend more time with healthy friends and get involved with a good, local church. Become part of that church’s small groups, and make yourself available to others your age. Be willing to deal with rejection initially, as not everyone will respond to your effort to make new friends, but keep trying. I believe God has divine connections, divine appointments, and open doors in relationship for you. He will bring those into your life as you commit to walk with wise men and women rather than stumble around with the foolish and ungodly. 

“As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

Even in the world, we can see this principle of iron sharpening iron and walking with the wise bringing wisdom to us through our relationships. Bill Belichick, one of the most successful coaches in NFL history, was tutored by Bill Parcells, a Super Bowl–winning coach with the New York Giants. Roy Williams, a very successful college basketball coach at both the University of Kansas and the University of North Carolina, was once an assistant for Dean Smith, a successful coach with the University of North Carolina who won two national championships and appeared in eleven Final Four games. We can see this same pattern with CEOs. Many corporations develop new leaders under those who have already become successful CEOs. Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, developed a training program for leaders in his company that produced several successful businessmen and women. 

In the kingdom of God, this principle operates the same way. I have observed a number of ministry leaders, such as Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland, and Andrew Wommack, who have raised up thousands of other ministers through their ministries. 

There are three levels of relationship each of us need to be sharpened with wisdom, character, vision, and faith. We all need: 

1. Mentors/spiritual fathers – those we look up to for counsel and who are models of wisdom, character, and success for us. 
2. Peers – those who encourage us, challenge us, and hold us accountable to the Word and God’s call on our lives. 
3. Disciples – those we are pouring into and modeling the Word for. 

We cannot force any level of these relationships, but we do need to be aware of them and make ourselves available to having all three types in our lives. Without all three, there is a danger of becoming imbalanced in our relationships.

Let me encourage you to make yourself available to build relationships with people who have traveled further down the roads of wisdom, character, and success than you. Serve them. Invest in them. Observe their lives and listen to their counsel. A wisdom statement I once received from Pastor Bob Nichols is, “Sow where you want to go.” In other words, find someone who is successful and bearing fruit in an area God has called you to go, and invest in them. For example, if you want a successful marriage, spend time with couples who have experienced success in their marriages. Find areas where you can serve them, listen to them, and observe their lives.

If you want to run a successful business, intern with a successful business owner. Apply for an entry-level position with the goal of learning the principles, systems, and culture of that business. At a minimum, invite a successful business owner to dinner and pick their brain, listening for the key principles they attribute their success to. Just make sure you pick up the tab! Billionaire Warren Buffet said, “Much of what you become in life depends on whom you choose to admire and copy.” 

If you want to go into ministry, for example, find a successful ministry that is close to what you feel called to do and volunteer to serve where they need you. Become a Joshua to a Moses. Become an Elisha to an Elijah in that ministry. Servanthood is one of the primary places of promotion. But it also positions you to see behind the scenes as to how a ministry’s infrastructure plays into their success. It shows you how a successful ministry deals with people and selects key staff members. In some cases, you will learn what to avoid, but in others, you will learn how the fulfillment of God’s plans and purposes relies on appropriate team strategy and timing. In both cases, that is wisdom. 

Who are your close friends? Who are the role models you have chosen for your life? Those relationships will shape your future and impart wisdom to you. 

Adapted from Greg Mohr’s Book, Walking in Wisdom