Receiving Correction

To continue to be disciples of Jesus who walk in wisdom and raise up other disciples, including our own children, we must be willing to receive correction and administer appropriate correction to those with whom you are in relationship like your children. 

Some parents I know, even Christian parents, have believed a lie that correction will hurt their child’s self-image. And while I agree that punishment can hurt a child, biblical correction will not harm your children or others; rather, it will help them become wise. Other parents’ false understanding of grace means there are no consequences for sin. They say we are supposed to walk in mercy and love regardless of someone’s actions. Yet the love of God can only operate in truth. Children need boundaries and consequences for violating those boundaries in life, or their flesh will rule their decisions. Children who grow up with no boundaries and no correction grow up rebellious and without wisdom. Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Here is a powerful truth: biblical correction brings wisdom. 

When correcting children, it is not appropriate to attack who they are as a person. Don’t tell them “You are a bad boy” or “You are a bad girl.” Don’t speak lack over them, saying “You’re stupid” or “You’re a slow learner” or “You’re rebellious” or “You’ll never amount to anything.” These types of statements can wound a child and eventually redefine their God-given identity. The wise way to correct our children is to attack their behavior, not their person. Tell them what they did was wrong and why it was wrong. Show them how their actions hurt someone else and give them appropriate consequences for their actions. Then remind them of who they are. Leave them with hope. Tell them “But you are better than that!” and point them toward who they are in Christ. Remind them of their ability to walk in love and the choice they have to live from their spirit rather than their flesh.

Remember: Punishment is something done to the child. Correction is something done for the child. 

The verse we just read in Proverbs 29 says both the rod and rebuke are appropriate methods of correction. Each can give your children wisdom. The word translated “rod” here is literally a switch or small stick used in spanking a child. The word “rebuke” means an argument, reasoning, or action appropriate for bringing about correction. When my children were young, we found long, thin dowel rods at the hardware store and used them for spanking when they knowingly and willfully disobeyed. These dowel rods were very small in diameter and would break with a small amount of force. But they stung like fire. As our children grew, we transitioned to the use of the “rebuke.” 

Years ago, when my daughter was young, she did something wrong that deserved a spanking. When I asked her to lean over the bed, she turned around and said, “But it will hurt, Daddy!” 

“Yes, sweetheart,” I said. “It is intended to hurt. This will help you remember that there are consequences for your actions.” 

For those who live in a state or country where spanking is forbidden, it is still your responsibility to correct your children as part of the discipleship process of raising wise sons and daughters. But let me encourage you, you still have leverage. There are other disciplinary options. One that Janice and I used many times came from the words of Jesus. 

“Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it,” (Luke 17:33).

As our children grew older, we applied this principle to their correction like this: whatever you seek to save through disobedience, you lose. We made it a priority to know what each of our children valued most. Then whenever they willfully violated a boundary, they lost something of value for a period of time.

 Several years ago, our family traveled from North Texas to Tulsa, Oklahoma for a conference and some vacation time. On the way home we stopped at Arbuckle Wilderness in southern Oklahoma. On one side of the wilderness park was a water park with slides and a swimming area that looked like a lot of fun for children. On the other side was a drive-through animal kingdom with all types of unique animals we could see and take pictures of. Our two older children wanted to go to the water park, but the two younger children wanted to see the animals. We only had time for one of these attractions, so I encouraged the children to come to a consensus. After fifteen to twenty minutes of arguing, they still could not make a decision. So, instead of enjoying part of the Arbuckle Wilderness, they enjoyed none of it.  

As our children climbed into the car, I told them that since they were unwilling to give up their preference for one another, we were going home to do chores. What they sought to save, they lost. And they spent the rest of the day pulling weeds in our yard at home. My children are adults now, yet any mention of Arbuckle Wilderness brings up a memory and important lesson none of them have forgotten. 

“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord,” (Ephesians 6:4).

Third, putting children in “time out” with their noses in a corner breeds contempt and anger. They will just sit there fuming and embarrassed. We can give them a time-out from video games or one of their digital gadgets, but making them sit on a “dunce” stool in a corner encourages them to become angrier and more disrespectful toward us. Next, we should only correct our children for crossing a clear boundary we have communicated with them or for showing disrespect toward us or someone else. It is not necessary to correct them for childish mistakes, such as spilling their milk or some other accident. 

As parents, my wife and I put a few other things in place that helped strengthen our relationship with our children and motivated them in positive ways. First, we determined that nothing our children did would shame us. Jesus is not ashamed to call us His brothers (Heb. 2:11), and even as adults, we have made our share of mistakes. We did not allow what our children did or didn’t do to define our success as parents. This understanding helped us take the focus off ourselves when our children made mistakes, and reminded us that all correction was about our children learning to walk in wisdom and to grow and mature. It wasn’t about our image. 

We also made ourselves available to our children anytime they needed us. We didn’t require them to compete with our careers or ministry. These things helped us develop a healthy family culture that included the right balance of love and discipline and helped us raise wise children who value their parents’ instruction.  

Even as adults, we need to stay open to correction if we are going to grow in maturity and learn to walk in God’s wisdom and will for our lives. Each of us needs correction because each of us has blind spots. We don’t always see what we are doing wrong, even when it is hurtful to someone we love. Because of this truth, I developed a habit of voluntarily asking friends and mentors to speak into my life about anything they see in my words, actions, or attitude toward others that is un-Christlike. 

Paul Milligan, a good friend of mine and one-time elder of my church, was one of those individuals. Years ago, I gave him permission to share anything he saw in my life that did not represent the Lord or edify others. He asked me to do the same with him. One year, we invited Paul and his wife Patsy to attend Andrew Wommack’s ministers’ conference with us. At this time, Andrew held the conference in the beautiful mountain town of Buena Vista, Colorado. Paul, Patsy, Janice, and I shared a two- bedroom condo for the week and had a wonderful time in worship, receiving the ministry of the Word, and fellowship with other pastors and ministers. A week after we returned home, Paul asked if he could meet with me. 

Paul shared that while we were at the ministers’ conference, he noticed a number of times I corrected my wife. She would be telling a story, and I’d interrupt to correct her about details that didn’t really matter or affect the story. Her stories were true, but the details were inaccurate. Paul said, “I know you aren’t aware you are doing that, Greg, but you are unintentionally shutting your wife down.” Initially I was surprised by what he said. I was not aware I had been doing that, but the more I reflected on his correction, I knew he was right. I was shutting my wife down by correcting her over and over again.  

I was devastated to realize I had been doing that. I thanked Paul for telling me and went home to apologize to my wife. 

She appreciated my apology and told me that Paul was right. I received correction through my friend that helped me serve, love, and release my wife, instead of quenching and shutting her down. Thank God for godly correction through our friends!  

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful,” (Proverbs 27:6).

If we are going to grow in wisdom and maturity, it is essential for us to remain open to correction from the Lord, directly and through others. Let’s look at the following passage of Scripture from Hebrews chapter 12 that emphasizes this principle. When reading these verses, please note the word “chastening” means correction. 

“If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons, … Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it,” (Hebrews 12:7-8, 11). 

The primary way God corrects us is through His Word. He doesn’t use sickness, disease, pain, troubles, or trials to correct His children as some have taught. In other words, satan is not God’s spanking board! Certainly, we can learn and receive from the Lord whenever we go through difficult times, but people confuse those times with things God uses to teach us. Just because someone turns to the Lord in the midst of tragedy, sickness, or loss does not mean those things came from God.

A verse from the book of Proverbs says, “The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise” (Prov. 15:31). One way to appropriate the wisdom God deposited in our spirits when we received Jesus as Lord is to be open to receiving correction. Biblical correction is given to us to help us grow. But we cannot benefit from it if we take it as personal rejection. Don’t become defensive when others bring you correction. That is an indication of your insecurity and pride. Pride will limit the amount of wisdom you can access because God resists the proud (1 Pet. 5:5-6). Pray this with me: 

Lord, I humble myself to receive correction by anyone You want to use to help me grow and mature. I refuse to be defensive or take correction as personal rejection. I choose to respond correctly to correction, and I expect to grow in wisdom as a result, in Jesus’ name! 

Adapted from Greg Mohr’s Book, Walking in Wisdom