Tough Love or Mercy?

Many times, the greatest challenge in decision making is determining whether mercy or tough love is best. Each option can be love, but which is best for the person and situation you are presently dealing with? The following verses in Galatians chapter 6 reveal the importance of this distinction. 

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” (Galatians 6:2).

“For each one shall bear his own load,” (Galatians 6:5).

Each of these verses describes a different dimension of love. One is mercy—bearing another’s burdens. The other is tough love—each bearing their own load. Which one is correct? Each of them has its place. Which should we apply to the decision we are presently considering? In order to determine that, we must set aside that which is easiest and most comfortable. We must choose not to consider what is convenient or beneficial for us and instead ask, “What is best for the person or group of people I’m dealing with in this situation?” Every time I have done that, I have discovered God’s wisdom. That does not mean that each time I make a decision everyone agrees with me or is happy with the decision, but that decision has proven to be what is best for the ones I am serving. And I am happy knowing that I have pleased the Lord by putting others’ interests ahead of my own. 

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others,” (Philippians 2:3-4).

This is how Jesus made tough decisions. He chose to make pleasing God the highest priority in His decision making.

One example of this was in the case of the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8. The scribes and Pharisees brought this woman to Jesus while He was teaching in the temple. My first question about this situation is, where was the man? Why didn’t they bring her companion in sin to Jesus? It takes two to commit adultery, you know. Most likely, the man was one of their friends or family members—or maybe even one of them, a fellow Pharisee. In any case, they told Jesus (as if He didn’t know) the penalty for adultery from the law.

They asked if they should stone the woman to death. They really didn’t care about this woman, but they did want to find fault with Jesus. They wanted to trick Him into breaking the law. If they could accomplish that, they would have something by which to accuse and potentially get rid of Jesus. Perhaps they even planned this out, collaborating with one of their friends to seduce a woman into an adulterous relationship. If that was the case, I’m sure they agreed to let this man go and only bring the woman before Jesus. 

Whether this is what happened or not, their actions were evil to the core. How did Jesus respond? He ignored them. He knelt down and began writing on the ground with His finger as though He did not even hear them. I’m certain that while He drew on the ground, He was taking the time to draw on His Father for wisdom. I am sure He was praying about the best course of action for this woman, the Pharisees, and others who would later hear of this situation. Jesus was faced with a dilemma between the justice and judgment required of the law and mercy. 

Finally, Jesus stood and said, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first” (John 8:7). He put the judgment of the law back on them, implying that their sins were as worthy of death as hers. Each of them left, from the oldest to the youngest, until only one remained—the One who was without sin—Jesus. He did not condone the woman’s sin. He told her to “go and sin no more,” but He also showed her mercy. When none were left to condemn her, Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you” (John 8:1-11). 

What a powerful example of how Jesus took time to draw on the Father’s wisdom and seek Him about what was best for all in this situation. Jesus found the wisdom of God by following the way of love. He did not violate the law but allowed mercy to triumph over judgment (James 2:13)! That is how Jesus accessed wisdom, and that is how you and I can access wisdom—even in the most challenging and pressure-filled situations. 

My wife and I have three sons and one daughter. Several years ago, about six months apart, two of my three sons called late at night—from jail. I won’t reveal which of them called me, and please don’t ask. I have no wish to uncover their sin or cause them condemnation but only want to use their stories as an example for you. Today, each of my sons is following the Lord. They are amazing men of God, great husbands and fathers, and I am very proud of them. But they do not have mistake-free lives, as I am sure none of us can claim, either. In the first case, my son called from jail at about 12:30 in the morning. 

As soon as I answered the phone, he said, “Dad, come pick me up from jail.” I asked what he had done to be put in jail, and he said, “I ran a stop sign. A police car tried to pull me over, and I tried to outrun the police. They caught me and put me in jail. Come get me, Dad.” 

To give you some background, at this time, our son had made a habit of violating the boundaries we had set for him. He was breaking curfew and being dishonest about where he was going and who he was with. He was in a season of rebellion, and none of the consequences he had received had been adequate in turning his heart around. Though I only had a minute or two to decide how to respond in this situation, before answering him, I told his mom what was going on and prayed. 

As I was praying quietly to myself, I heard, “Tell him you will see him in the morning.” I knew from this word that the best thing for my son at this time was some “tough love” from Dad. So, that is what I told him. He didn’t like it, but he also never forgot that night. And he hasn’t attempted to outrun the police since! 

About six months later, another of our sons called me around midnight. He said, “Dad, I’m in jail. Can you come get me?” I asked him what he had done to be put in jail, and he said, “I had a blowout on one of my tires, and a policeman pulled over to assist me. While he was there, he checked my license and found an unpaid ticket in my file from six months ago. I got pulled over in a small town several miles away, but I lost the ticket, Dad. I forgot the name of the town, so I didn’t take care of it. I’m sorry to bother you and Mom so late, but I’ll pay you back whatever it costs.” 

This situation was altogether different. I could hear the humility in my son’s voice. He was willing to take responsibility for his actions and did not make excuses. I leaned over and told his mom what he said and spent a moment in prayer. This time, I heard, “Go pick him up, take him to Denny’s, and don’t say a word about his mistake.” So, that is what I did. He also remembers that instance to this day. 

Each of these instances showed our boys love. Though it wasn’t easy for me to let one of my sons spend the night in jail, it was wisdom—the tough love he needed—in that situation. It also wasn’t easy for me to do something entirely different for my other son. I didn’t want it to look like I was favoring one over the other. But he needed mercy. It was what was best for him in that situation. I had to learn to trust God with each of my boys and look to wisdom for my response. The bottom line is, ask the Holy Spirit to show you which principle of the Word is in the best interest of those you are serving. Decisions are easy when faced with the choice between good and evil. But decisions become more difficult when there is more than one principle from the Word that could apply to the situation in front of you, and those principles seem to oppose each other. In those cases, take the time to set aside the options that benefit you and consider which option will benefit those you are serving. God will make the best choice clear. 

“Grace, mercy, and peace will be with you from God the Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love,” (2 John 1:3).

 “My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth,” (1 John 3:18).

What I am sharing with you is wisdom. There are times to show mercy. There are times to show tough love. Don’t allow yourself to feel condemned for showing tough love to those who need tough love. And don’t let others pressure you into showing tough love to those who need mercy. 

Following love allows you to access the wisdom of God and the mind of Christ in every situation. Lay aside any consideration of what is best for you. Remember that comfort, convenience, and expedience (that which is easiest for you) are the enemies of wisdom. Circumcise your heart from selfish motives and focus on what is best for those you are serving, those who will be impacted by your decisions. That is how you pursue love. That is also how God’s wisdom is made available to you. 

Adapted from Greg Mohr’s Book, Walking in Wisdom